We Are Aware...Of Everything

I know it's been a while since my last post, but I've been busy moving and working and raising children. For some of you, my words are an integral part of your lives; as essential as the air you breathe; as necessary as the pickle that accompanies your deli sandwich. I want you to know that I am aware of this.

So to observe those that have spent the last three months yearning for another blog post from yours truly, and to recognize the fact that I am aware of that yearning, I hereby deem the month of April to be Awareness Month Awareness Month from now henceforth until the end of time. We will forevermore use the month of April to celebrate, commemorate, and acknowledge all the other months that we are bombarded with things to celebrate, commemorate, and acknowledge.

Let's start with April. Besides being Awareness Month Awareness Month, April is also Mathematics Awareness Month, where we acknowledge that math exists, and Child Abuse Awareness and Prevention Month, where not only do we acknowledge the people that abuse children, but we also refrain from abusing our own children until May. Let us not forget it is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and Rape Prevention Month. These clearly go hand in hand. I heard recently that the most effective way to avoid being raped is to crap yourself. In April we are aware of Parkinson's Disease, Autism, Asperger's Syndrome, Diabetes, and recognize that some people have STD's, Developmental Disabilities, an Appreciation for Jazz, and my favorite, Drive While Distracted.

In May, we celebrate the heritages of South Asians (don't even think about North Asians in May), Haitians, Jews, and those from the Asian Pacific. Amongst other things, we celebrate bicycles, pets, and foster care; we are aware of ALS (only in the US, though; Canadians celebrate this in June), asthma, celiac disease, and neurofibromatosis.

June is for adopting cats, hip-hop and those of Caribbean descent. It is also LGBT Pride Month, where we celebrate and take pride in men that have sex with other men, women that have sex with other women, men and women that have sex with men and women, and men and women that identify themselves as women and men - I'm not sure who they have sex with though.

We eat tacos and hot dogs in July, and then dance it off.

August is kind of a downer. We give a special nod to people with amblyopia and cataracts, although they probably can't see it, and a pat on the back to those with spinal muscular atrophy and psoriasis. Also don't forget that there are millions of immunizations available, and you should get every single one of them. Enjoy August because you will likely have the flu in September.

In September, while suffering through whatever sickness you've come down with as a result of intentionally injecting yourselves with said sickness, we recognize National Preparedness Month. This is where FEMA encourages us to prepare ourselves for a catastrophic state of emergency because the government is incapable of responding to them. But I really don't feel we need to observe this every year. Every four years in November would be sufficient. Oh, and just about every Central American country celebrates their independence in September, which somehow lead to an influx of immigrants to the U.S. and the need to establish Hispanic Heritage Month.

October is a biggie. We feel sorry for battered women while simultaneously spending a lot of time talking about their breasts. We also strive to end bullying by making our sons whiny little girls, and we remember the struggles, strife, and civil rights violations that homosexual and transgender Americans have endured at the hands of whitey. Not to be outdone by the segregation, humiliation, beatings, and murders of blacks in the early- to mid-1900's, homosexuals have been called names...and...and have been called names...sometimes...by...mean people...

November is NaNoWriMo! The whole nation writes a novel! Right? I kind of just stare at the screen wondering why I thought anyone would waNT TO READ THIS CRAP! Then I rant and drink beer and yell at my kids and come back to what I was writing and think, hey, this isn't so bad, but then I sober up and read it again and wonder wHY I THOUGHT ANYONE WOULD WANT TO READ THIS CRAP! I love NaNoWriMo.

December is Political Correctness Awareness Month, when the retards in the media tell us what we are and aren't allowed to say, and I organize my annual Smear the Queer tournament. It's also Safe Toys and Gifts Awareness Month because every kid should wear a helmet inside while reading and doing puzzles.

January is Glaucoma Awareness Month, also known as "Smoke It If You Got It Month". We are made aware that there is poverty in America, while somewhere in the Middle East our charitable leaders are giving billions to countries that want to kill us. It's also Personal Self-Defense Awareness Month, unless you are at a school, university, courthouse, somewhere that serves alcohol, or serving in your neighborhood watch. Or really anywhere else the government decides they don't want you carrying the firearm you have every right to be carrying.

We all know what February is, and everything else falls to the wayside (though I still recommend you spay and neuter your animals). This is the time to celebrate our black brothers and sisters. They have endured more hardships than any other minority in our great nation, though only slightly more than the LGBT community. It's also Ethnic Equality Month, but who are we kidding. Everyone knows black guys make better athletes, and they are almost always showers, not growers.

And finally we get to March, and honestly, it's kind of a let down. I guess someone, somewhere gives a flying flip about celery, crafts, essential tremors (whatever those are), and peanuts. I do, however, enjoy frozen foods. I also think it's important to commemorate women's history, where we will inevitably hear about Hilary Clinton's achievements, all accomplished with absolutely zero help from her husband *Ahem*. The only thing that makes March bearable is the celebration of the Irish. I love Irish people. And I love drinking beers.

So I hope you'll all join me this year by taking part in Awareness Month Awareness Month. I see no reason why we can't celebrate, commemorate, contemplate, and commiserate any of the above each and every April. Just don't spend too much time pretending to be Irishmen with glaucoma.

I love you all, be excellent to each other, and all will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things shall be well.