I know it's been a while since my last post, but I've been busy moving and
working and raising children. For some of you, my words are an integral part of
your lives; as essential as the air you breathe; as necessary as the pickle
that accompanies your deli sandwich. I want you to know that I am aware of
this.
So to observe those that have spent the last three months yearning for another
blog post from yours truly, and to recognize the fact that I am aware of that
yearning, I hereby deem the month of April to be Awareness Month Awareness
Month from now henceforth until the end of time. We will forevermore use
the month of April to celebrate, commemorate, and acknowledge all the other
months that we are bombarded with things to celebrate, commemorate, and
acknowledge.
Let's start with April. Besides being Awareness Month Awareness Month, April
is also Mathematics Awareness Month, where we acknowledge that math
exists, and Child Abuse Awareness and Prevention Month, where not only
do we acknowledge the people that abuse children, but we also refrain from
abusing our own children until May. Let us not forget it is Sexual Assault
Awareness Month and Rape Prevention Month. These clearly go hand in
hand. I heard recently that the most effective way to avoid being raped is to
crap yourself. In April we are aware of Parkinson's Disease,
Autism, Asperger's Syndrome, Diabetes, and recognize that some people have
STD's, Developmental Disabilities, an Appreciation for Jazz, and my favorite,
Drive While Distracted.
In May, we celebrate the heritages of South Asians (don't even think about
North Asians in May), Haitians, Jews, and those from the Asian Pacific. Amongst
other things, we celebrate bicycles, pets, and foster care; we are aware of ALS
(only in the US, though; Canadians celebrate this in June), asthma, celiac
disease, and neurofibromatosis.
June is for adopting cats, hip-hop and those of Caribbean descent. It is also LGBT
Pride Month, where we celebrate and take pride in men that have sex with other
men, women that have sex with other women, men and women that have sex with men
and women, and men and women that identify themselves as women and men - I'm
not sure who they have sex with though.
We eat tacos and hot dogs in July, and then dance it off.
August is kind of a downer. We give a special nod to people with amblyopia
and cataracts, although they probably can't see it, and a pat on the back to
those with spinal muscular atrophy and psoriasis. Also don't forget that there
are millions of immunizations available, and you should get every single one of
them. Enjoy August because you will likely have the flu in September.
In September, while suffering through whatever sickness you've come down
with as a result of intentionally injecting yourselves with said sickness, we
recognize National Preparedness Month. This is where FEMA encourages us to
prepare ourselves for a catastrophic state of emergency because the government
is incapable of responding to them. But I really don't feel we need to observe
this every year. Every four years in November would be sufficient. Oh, and just
about every Central American country celebrates their independence in
September, which somehow lead to an influx of immigrants to the U.S. and the
need to establish Hispanic Heritage Month.
October is a biggie. We feel sorry for battered women while simultaneously
spending a lot of time talking about their breasts. We also strive to end
bullying by making our sons whiny little girls, and we remember the struggles,
strife, and civil rights violations that homosexual and transgender Americans
have endured at the hands of whitey. Not to be outdone by the segregation,
humiliation, beatings, and murders of blacks in the early- to mid-1900's,
homosexuals have been called names...and...and have been called
names...sometimes...by...mean people...
November is NaNoWriMo! The whole nation writes a novel! Right? I kind of
just stare at the screen wondering why I thought anyone would waNT TO READ THIS
CRAP! Then I rant and drink beer and yell at my kids and come back to what I
was writing and think, hey, this isn't so bad, but then I sober up and read it
again and wonder wHY I THOUGHT ANYONE WOULD WANT TO READ THIS CRAP! I love
NaNoWriMo.
December is Political Correctness Awareness Month, when the retards in the
media tell us what we are and aren't allowed to say, and I organize my annual
Smear the Queer tournament. It's also Safe Toys and Gifts Awareness Month because
every kid should wear a helmet inside while reading and doing puzzles.
January is Glaucoma Awareness Month, also known as "Smoke It If You Got
It Month". We are made aware that there is poverty in America, while
somewhere in the Middle East our charitable leaders are giving billions to
countries that want to kill us. It's also Personal Self-Defense Awareness
Month, unless you are at a school, university, courthouse, somewhere that
serves alcohol, or serving in your neighborhood watch. Or really anywhere else
the government decides they don't want you carrying the firearm you have every
right to be carrying.
We all know what February is, and everything else falls to the wayside (though
I still recommend you spay and neuter your animals). This is the time to
celebrate our black brothers and sisters. They have endured more hardships than
any other minority in our great nation, though only slightly more than the LGBT
community. It's also Ethnic Equality Month, but who are we kidding. Everyone
knows black guys make better athletes, and they are almost always showers, not
growers.
And finally we get to March, and honestly, it's kind of a let down. I guess
someone, somewhere gives a flying flip about celery, crafts, essential tremors
(whatever those are), and peanuts. I do, however, enjoy frozen foods. I also
think it's important to commemorate women's history, where we will inevitably
hear about Hilary Clinton's achievements, all accomplished with absolutely zero
help from her husband *Ahem*. The only thing that makes March bearable is the
celebration of the Irish. I love Irish people. And I love drinking beers.
So I hope you'll all join me this year by taking part in Awareness Month
Awareness Month. I see no reason why we can't celebrate, commemorate,
contemplate, and commiserate any of the above each and every April. Just don't
spend too much time pretending to be Irishmen with glaucoma.
I love you all, be excellent to each other, and all will be well, and all
will be well, and all manner of things shall be well.
