Answers to Questions That Shouldn't Have Been Asked

I woke up late this morning. Most likely due to the chirping cricket alarm tone I have my phone set to. I distinctly remember the sound being incorporated into my dream. Needless to say, the rest of the morning was a mad scramble to get three kids and myself fed, dressed, and out the door.

After dropping my youngest off at daycare, I shuttled the other two to their elementary school, where I was required to sign them in and furnish them with tardy slips to be presented to their teachers in order for my children to gain entry to their classrooms.

While filling out their tardy slips, I noticed an area marked Reason next to the Time Checked In/Out box. So I think to myself, Why are they asking me this question? Surely, the school doesn't feel it is any of their business why I am checking my kids in at 8:30 instead of dropping them off at 8:00.

Right?

So, to recap:

QUESTION #1:
Reason for checking child in late?

ANSWER GIVEN: 
Late. That's all, just Late.

ANSWERS I CONSIDERED GIVING:
1. None of your *insert expletive* business. 
2. Their ritual morning beatings took longer than usual.
3. I wanted an excuse to see the school secretary again.
4. Fiery car crash.
5. Riley had explosive diarrhea this morning, the smell of which caused Declan to vomit all over the bathroom floor when he went in to brush his teeth, which in turn caused me to vomit uncontrollably while cleaning it up, all while Reagan (who does not attend this school) laughed and threw shoes at me.

Well, this got me thinking about other irrelevant questions I've been asked.

I take my children for their school physicals, and every time the doctor asks the same question.

QUESTION #2:
How many hours of TV does your child watch a day?

ANSWER GIVEN:
As much as I allow them to.

ANSWERS I WOULD LOVE TO GIVE:
1. None of your *insert expletive* business.
2. As many as it takes to keep them occupied while I get some actual work done around the house.
3. They only watch TV until they pass out.

Here's another one doctors love to ask without fail.

QUESTION #3:
Do you smoke?

ANSWER SOMETIMES GIVEN:
Why, do you think that's what caused the fascia tinnitus I incurred while running three miles yesterday?

ANSWER USUALLY GIVEN:
Yes. Is that bad?

Have you ever been pulled over at night (and this only happens at night in my experience) by a balding cop with a ridiculous mustache that appears to drink way too much of his homemade beer? The initial inquiry is always the same.

QUESTION #4:
Where you headed?

ANSWER GIVEN...Every single time, whether or not it's true:
Home

ANSWERS I WANT TO GIVE BUT WOULD DEFINITELY PAY FOR:
1. Your mom's.
2. I'm taking the AK47's I just purchased back to my warehouse to get them prepared for mass distribution.
3. To heaven eventually. Do you know Jesus?
4. 7-11 to get Combos. The pizza flavored ones. I love Combos when I smoke weed.
5. I've been asking myself that same question ever since I escaped from jail.

Just remember to pick your battles carefully...even if you really, really, REALLY want to tell that power-tripping cop you're on your way to visit his mother.