There's no shortage of the supernatural in today's media, and when it comes to vampires, the sheer magnitude of books, movies, and television shows are overwhelming. And I'll admit to reading and watching just about every one of them. I've read Anne Rice, Bram Stoker, Kim Harrison, and Stephanie Meyer. I've seen Underworld, The Lost Boys, Blade, 30 Days of Night, Fright Night, Daybreakers, and the list goes on. I even watch True Blood and The Vampire Diaries. Something about the bloodsucking bastards keeps me, and a whole lot of other people, coming back for more.
These stories and creatures are designed to stretch the boundaries of the imagination. Sometimes they're amusing, other times they're terrifying, and on occasion they're intentionally disgusting. But there's an ever growing, ever popular subsection within the genre that strikes me as overly unrealistic and ultimately disturbing. I think the term is Teen Vampire Drama. This is where an adolescent girl encounters a handsome vampire, who happens to have been turned during the height of his youth, and the two fall head over heels in love. The girl's life is forever changed, she can't imagine life without him. If she's not with him, she's thinking about him, and for whatever reason the vampire's feelings for her are completely and utterly mutual.
This is where I call bullcrap.
Let's analyze what we know about a couple popular "teenage" vampires for a moment. Edward Cullen. The Twilight hero with a heart of gold. Born circa 1875, turned vampire in 1901, appears to be about seventeen years old, obsessed with Bella Swan who actually is seventeen years old. And then there's Stefan Salvatore, the male protagonist in the series The Vampire Diaries. Turned in 1865, he also is portrayed as having high moral standards and is infatuated with another seventeen year old girl by the name of Elena Gilbert. Anyone see a trend here? Both girls are seventeen. Both vampires are over ONE HUNDRED.
Now let's step back again. As a teenager I greatly enjoyed the company of females my own age. However, I had absolutely no desire to listen to or be involved in any of their emotional instability. At age thirty, I liken the feeling I get upon hearing a high school girl whine about her problems to my mood when the toilet backsplashes all over my ass after flushing a gigantic load. I imagine, in a few decades, I'd rather stick my entire face in fecal matter than sit through that incessant babbling. And we're expected to believe a century old vampire could last five minutes in the presence of a teenage girl without draining the life from her out of sheer annoyance? I hate to say it, but there's not an elderly man on the planet that has ever associated himself with a much younger woman because of her personality.
At this point, we can dismiss Twilight as completely off the charts unbelievable. I've read the Twilight series in its entirety, if only because my O.C.D. won't allow me to leave things unfinished, and I'm fully aware that Edward Cullen refused any sort of physical intimacy with Bella Swan--who happens to be the epitome of a self-centered, immature teenage girl. In no way do I condone adolescent sex (or sex before marriage in general), but the mere thought that Mr. Cullen fell in love with Bella for her amazing brain is as disingenuous as a Big Brother shomance.
Stefan Salvatore, on the other hand, is another story altogether. He chooses to not only spend time with Elena in a social manner, but a sexual manner as well. Do not forget that Stefan is a 165 year old vampire. Take away the vampire part. Take away the boyish good looks. Now he's just an extremely old man that has sex with a teenage girl. Last I heard, Stefan, buddy old pal, that's called statutory rape. Much younger men than you have been court ordered to go door to door declaring they're a sexual predator.
Sure, it's unlikely that a vampire would get judged and convicted to the full extent of the law, but that doesn't make it any less disturbing. As for me, I have a Glock and several pointed sticks that say my daughters won't be dating any elderly gentlemen, supernatural or otherwise.
HAAAA!!! Too flippin' funny! I never even looked at it from the perspective of horny old men and young beautiful, or 'brainy' girls. Well done. I suppose it has something to do with the sparkly skin. It must keep his brain forever permeated with unicorns and dollies and pink ribbons so he is always on the same page as Bella.
ReplyDeleteWell spoken, Ryan. That last line had me cracking up!
Thanks Jaimie. I think I could write a whole other post on the sparkly skin issue.
ReplyDeleteIt is very unlikely that a century old vampire would not deliver himself "the true death" just to get away from an annoying whinny teenage girl. Plus, what grown man wants to deal with a teenage girl's dad?
ReplyDeleteI wish I had sparkly skin.
ReplyDeleteYour skin sparkles when you're angry.
DeleteOh Ryan... I believe that you dismiss the scope of a quasi-immortal life. The two examples that you listed are both under 200 years old. When speaking in terms of immortality its a drop in the bucket. Now, I do not claim any expertise to vampiric lore. To my knowledge any vampire under 200 years is equivalent to lets say for the hell of it an adolescent adult.
ReplyDeleteIn my mind becoming a vampire is very close to being reborn in an undead sort of way. If today at the age of 28 I became a vampire I would have little ambition to change my lifestyle due to the lifting of mortal life time restraints. Don't we all wish at some point for the years to go a little slower but they don't. Inevitably we are forced by time to adapt. This forces us onto a path of decisions that in return make us "grow up", setting aside what we held important in our younger years.
By my account the opposite would be true. The mortal while faced with constant rapid change in life would tire of the vampire's seemingly stagnant path through the world they both inhabit. On the topic of statutory rape and vampires a certain mental temporal context needs to be applied. We as a society set boundaries with ages because of our understanding of mental and emotional development over the years. We also know that everyone is different in how fast or slow they develop within these categories. We apply the law of averages and come up with the "best fit" number for the society that we live within. History shows that these numbers change. Especially as life expectancy increases. Vampires from my point of view still function mentally as humans. This in affect would slow down any mental and emotional development according to their extended life span.
I don't really know. I like your blog and hope you don't mind me jabbing here and there at your meanderings.
Oh, Daniel...you are a piece of work. You bring up some interesting points, but I'm afraid I have to respectfully disagree. According to your point of view, once a human becomes a vampire their mental development slows, or I would argue stops completely. This would make vampires little more than mentally retarded mosquitoes. I agree 200 years is a mere blip on the radar when compared to eternity, but to assume they learn nothing from their experiences or gain no wisdom or advance their knowledge over the course of a century is not evidenced within the context of the stories I used as examples.
DeleteThe abundance of high school and college degrees covering the walls in the Cullen household shows that they are constantly increasing their knowledge and experience. I would argue that from this point of view, vampires gain knowledge and wisdom at an exponential rate when compared to human beings as it is easier to build upon what you already know than to start from scratch. We as humans generally will acquire one or two degrees at maximum while a vamp has the opportunity to compound their learning by an infinite degree.
But I do agree that if I were turned here and now, initially I would not see any reason to change my current behavior. However, after a few doctorates and several near "true death" experiences, I might be inclined to see things quite a bit differently. And my eyes would definitely not be set upon a teenage girl that mopes around all day complaining about why I don't call to tell her where I am every night.
I love your insight on this disturbing trend of teenage girl/100+ vampire dreamboat. I do admit to watching the Twilight movies, mostly to snark on them. Speaking as someone who once was a teenage girl, I couldn't stand being around them when I was one.
ReplyDeleteThanks for joining in the conversation, Danielle. I love a girl that loves anime. I would guess that if anyone could understand the uncanny ability a teenage girl has to give a person a serious migraine, it would be an ex-teenage girl.
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